Kanda Yuu user guide and instruction manual
by WhimsicalHeart
Summary: You are now the proud owner of a KANDA YUU unit. To unlock his full potential and to stop him from destroying things like innocent furniture and buildings read the manual carefully


**KANDA YUU: the Owner's Guide and User's Manual**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own -man or any of its characters. We're going to give you a little maths lesson ok? -man is written and owned by one woman called Hoshino-sensei. 2 girls not called Hoshino-sensei wrote this fic. So… is 1 woman = 2 girls ? no. So we can therefore conclude that… we no own you no sue.

**Attention! ** -man et ses caractères ne m'appartient pas. Ils sont la propriété des créateurs originaux. Je n'ai aucune intention de vider le droit d'auteur ou de gagner l'argent de cette histoire.

**A/N: **May contain spoilers for DGM (If you know who Timothy is, go ahead). My friend and I (she doesn't have an account here so I'll just call her Ducky) did this for fun. Forgive my French but it is my third language I just figure I'd put the disclaimer in 2 languages to make sure I got the message across  other than that happy reading. I have just been reading about reverse psychology so… don't any of you rate or review I'm actually not at all interested in what you have to say. On that note if you like what I've put up I'll try create more. Ok I'm going now, no really.

~silence~

One more thing… drum roll… she wants to speak to you too

**A/N:**

Hi hi~ seeing that WhimsicalHeart has said all the boring references (WH: Well excuse me!!!) I'll jus say XJAPAN ROCKS!!!!!( oh~ mwahahahaha~~~~) oh and so does UVERworld(KYA!!!!!~~~~~) (WH: lll-_-). Just to note that I take French as a fifth language and not a third…and I recon we should put the disclaimer in all 6 languages I know…(WH: over ruled) I hope you're all discouraged by this manual so that I can buy all the KANDA YUU units. Mine, all mine. (WH: I swear I have nothing to do with this, she is naturally crazy)

**NB!** The only real editing done to this chapter is up here. It has recently been brought to my attention that another user on this form (Saya-sama) wrote a similar fic. My apologies if anyone thought that we took the idea from her, I did not know such a fic existed. Thank-you to .Usagi for pointing this out. The user manual idea is something I first came across in Full Metal Alchemist. I've done some digging and from what I can find out the "user/ maintenance manual and owner's guide" series format is first credited to one Theresa Green. So once again sorry to Saya-sama if you feel we have in anyway infringed upon your fic and ideas. I will continue posting these fics however if people enjoy them but I will credit Ms Green in the disclaimer and mention that Saya-sama has a similar project. Thank you WhimsicalHeart

**Congratulations!**

You are now the proud owner of a KANDA YUU unit. To unlock his full potential (and to stop him from destroying things like innocent furniture and buildings) read the following manual _carefully. _Any misuse of the unit may be hazardous to your health, and the health of everything in the immediate area for that matter. Management accepts no responsibility for any damage done by the unit. NB! Keep your KANDA YUU unit out of reach of children.

**Unit Specifications:**

**Name: **KANDA YUU (that is KANDA to you, do not use his first name unless you are tired of living)

**AKA: ** nothing, don't try it no matter how reliable your sources are; he responds to KANDA and KANDA alone. He will however give everybody else names and refuse to call them anything else.

**Age: **18

**Place of Manufacture: **Japan

**Height: **175cm

**Weight: **61kg

**Blood Type: **AB

**Your KANDA YUU comes with the following accessories:**

15 hair ties

1 equipment type innocence, MUGEN™ (with unlockable attacks)

1 hour glass with lotus contained within (**CAUTION** handle with _extreme _care)

1 pair of boots

1 tight fitting, long, black exorcist cloak

1 long, black, button up, wide collared exorcist coat

2 pairs of black pants

1 casual, black, sleeveless shirt

1 tattoo on left shoulder

1 white button up shirt

2 belts

**Removing your KANDA YUU unit from the box:**

Coddling him won't help. In fact it will make him even more reluctant to remove himself from the box. There are 4 ways of removing him from the box:

Ask nicely, no guarantees but it's worth a try

Tell him that you, as his superior, order him to get out now. Have proof of purchase on hand to prove that you can potentially be considered his superior or prepare to grovel.

Comment, quite loudly near the box, that KANDA looks distinctly feminine, he will probably come from the box with a vengeance. At that point get far away from him till he calms down

Scream AKUMA! At the top of your lungs. He'll come out to find it and will probably just be annoyed that you lied

**Programming**

When you have successfully extracted your KANDA YUU from his box you will encounter his programming. Please note he will be moody, anti social and, depending on how you removed him, he may even be murderous. This is not a glitch; it's how he is programmed. As such KANDA is not appropriate for overly sensitive people, people with a delicate constitution, noisy people or those who scare easily.

**Exorcist: **Did someone on your neighbourhood buy a MILLENIUM EARL or NOAH unit? Has it started creating AKUMA units? Or maybe you just have a lot of AKUMA units around. You could even be a little bit paranoid. Well, never fear KANDA is here. He is an excellent fighter and a pro at exorcising those annoying AKUMA units. (Management accepts no responsibility for damage to property while your KANDA YUU is fighting). Your KANDA unit is also combat happy and will train often, just treat it as live action.

**Body Guard: **Have problems with bullies or older siblings? Are you a high priority person trying to keep a low profile? Or do you just need protection? KANDA will do it for you. If his mission is to keep you safe he'll even kill a fly. He's strong, fast and has an extensive knowledge of fighting techniques, complete that with a terrifying deadly glare. You'll feel safer then ever before (unless he is staring at you).

**Escort: **need to get somewhere fast? Leave it to your KANDA YUU. He is devoted to his missions and will complete them swiftly. He won't hesitate to remove all obstacles between you and your goal. We mean that literally. You'll never be late again. We advise against taking the KANDA YUU into any actual social gatherings. He may look wonderful on your arm but his introverted personality doesn't allow for large noisy soirees where people would annoy him. We cannot guarantee his behaviour or a successful end to a party.

**Peace Maker: **if you don't like crowds, are introverted, have an excessively noisy family or find annoying people are drawn to you KANDA YUU will make sure you never suffer again. He is quite adept at getting people away from himself (and you) and does not feel the incessant need to chatter. He is also quite talented at making pieces, out of anything, but usually only when you annoy him

**Your KANDA YUU comes with the following modes:**

Civil (_default_)

Annoyed

Angry

Respectful

Satisfied (locked and encrypted)

Determined (aka on a mission)

Attack

Smug

Friendly (locked)

Modes are **not** mutually exclusive (i.e. he can be in angry and attack modes at the same time, lucky you. Being in one mode does not mean the others cannot be activated)

Please note the civil mode doesn't mean he likes you or that he is nice just that you aren't annoying enough to kill. Friendly for KANDA is not necessarily friendly by another person's standards. He still appears to be in civil mode, he just considers you more than tolerable. Also note that the angry and annoyed modes are two very different things. When he is annoyed he sticks to verbal abuse and glares, when he is angry he has a tendency to bring down the house. Once again we mean this literally. He is more than capable of destroying everything around him and will deal with whatever is annoying him as he deems necessary.

Respectful mode means he is less likely to attack and is marginally politer. He is respectful only to EXORCIST GENERAL units with the possible exceptions of FROI TEIDOLL units or MARIAN CROSS units. He is likely to slip into annoyed mode when left alone with the FROI TIEDOLL unit when FROI TIEDOLL is in fatherly mode. He will enter smug mode when talking to a FINDER unit or after a large, hard battle.

When in Determined/ Mission mode you will find that your unit is very serious and straight forward (not that he isn't usually but still). He thinks of the mission and nothing else. It is advisable that you do not let innocent buildings, people, furniture or other units get between him and his goal. You will probably need medical and construction teams if you do.

The satisfied mode is _very _hard to access. Potentially he may enter it if, he has perfectly made soba, his hourglass is far, far away (but safe, it is important that the glass is _SAFE_), he is in a quite room and all annoying units (these include but are not limited to: ALLEN WALKER, KOMUI LEE, FROI TIEDOLL, FINDER, AKUMA, MILLENIUM EARL, NOAH and LAVI) are also far away and he has successfully completed a mission. Don't hold your breathe though, you may die waiting. If how ever you do get him in this state, get proof and tell us. We will host an awards ceremony specially for you.

**Feeding your Unit:**

Your KANDA YUU unit will enjoy tempura and soba. He doesn't eat sweets. Keep ALLEN WALKER units away from him while he is eating. He doesn't appreciate his food being stolen. You will find that your KANDA doesn't like sweets.

**Cleaning:**

As you may have picked up your KANDA YUU unit fights a lot and as such he sweats. He also gets dirty from blood, dust and rubble. Let us establish something early. HE. CAN. CLEAN. HIMSELF. AND. HE. DOES. You do not need to provide any shampoo or conditioner, he is more than happy to wash his hair with soap.

**Interaction with other Black Order units:**

ALLEN WALKER: these units hate each other. Your KANDA will probably call him moyashi / bean sprout and they will fight. Your KANDA YUU will probably shift into annoyed or angry mode. You should keep these two separate. your KANDA YUU unit is capable of bringing ALLEN WALKER units out of 14th mode.

LAVI: this unit likes to tease your KANDA and will probably call him by his first name. Your KANDA is usually in angry or annoyed mode when this unit is a round. He may well refer to LAVI as baka usagi/ stupid rabbit. This is usual do not worry.

BOOKMAN: Civil.

LENALEE LEE: KANDA is generally calm round this unit and can become protective (in his own way) when a TYKI MIKK or LEVERRIER (AKA COCKROACH MAN) unit is present. If you need your KANDA YUU unit pacified this is the unit to do it. She can put your unit in friendly mode.

NOISE MARIE: your KANDA unit gets on relatively well with this unit. He is usually in friendly mode round this unit.

FROI TIEDOLL (class: General): capable of annoying your KANDA unit in the extremes when in Fatherly mode. Other than that he will follow this unit and try to keep him safe from MILLENIUM EARL units if your KANDA YUU hasn't had the EDO: NOAH'S ARK upgrade

CLOUD NINE (class: General): respectful and civil

KUMOI LEE: he will probably be in annoyed, angry or attack mode. This unit can repair his MUGEN™ if he gets in a fight with a SKINN BOLIC unit. He will probably will be annoyed with KUMOI if his MUGEN™ is not fixed rapidly and an AKUMA: LEVEL 4 attacks. Will be furious if KUMOI creates useless things, example KOMUVITAMIN D™. He accepts missions from this unit

MIRANDA LOTTO: he scares this unit and can get annoyed with her when she mixes things up

SOKARO WINTERS (class: General): respectful and civil

CROSS MARIAN (class: General): your KANDA YUU unit might be respectful to this unit (forgive us if we remain unconvinced) but will probably be civil at best and annoyed at worst. He does not approve of how this unit spends money and his frivolous attitude

TIMOTHY: KANDA units are excellent at making TIMOTHY units tell the truth as they have no qualms about threatening his real body while TIMOTHY possesses someone.

BAK CHAN: will be civil round this unit but is not adverse to hitting him and/or entering annoyed mode when BAK CHAN units attempt to apologise.

**Interactions with other Units**

TYKI MIKK: tends to fight with this unit when they meet and destroys TYKI MIKK unit's TEASE™. KANDA YUU units will rescue any LENALEE LEE units that TYKI MIKK units try to do away with. In general he will enter attack mode when this unit is present

MILLENIUM EARL: dislikes this unit intensely but will not try to take him on single handed.

SKINN BOLIC: If the SKINN BOLIC unit has received the EDO: NOAH'S ARK upgrade he will attack your KANDA unit and will eventually lose (but not before doing extensive physical damage to your unit, this however does give you an excellent opportunity to spend an hour or two nursing him back to health). He is programmed to lose. Otherwise SKINN will just stare at him while he tries to figure out when to attack him.

RHOADE CAMELOT: will attack this unit when provoked.

LULUBELL: will attack this unit when provoked

JASDEBI: will attack this unit when provoked

AKUMA: your KANDA unit will kill off these units on sight. He is permanently in attack, mission or angry mode round them.

**Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)**

**Q: **My KANDA keeps on making a funny noise, it sounds a bit like "che". What's wrong with him? Is his sound card messed up?

**A:** er no. He's either annoyed or in a bad mood. Find out what is annoying him/ putting him in a bad mood and remove it. He should stop 'che'-ing temporarily but it'll come back eventually. Just accept him and love him for it.

**Q: **my KANDA YUU unit won't stop glaring at me, what's his problem?

**A: **he's not the problem you are. KANDA's glare at things they don't like. Just stay away or stop being noisy or something. Get hold of good soba or tempura for him. Do not confront him; he will only get more annoyed with emotional displays. A LENALEE LEE unit is generally capable of keeping your KANDA in line. Get one of those if all else fails. He will probably return to civil mode so far as you are concerned.

**Q: **my KANDA YUU is gone! My neighbour's FROI TIEDOLL went off to edo or something and my KANDA YUU followed him, what can I do?

**A:** If you can find your KANDA YUU unit install the EDO: NOAH'S ARK upgrade, this should stop him wondering off after random FROI TIEDOLL units. He should eventually return to you after he thinks he has completed his mission. If you want to start looking Tokyo is the modern day equivalent of Edo. It may be cheaper to purchase a new one and get the upgrade.

**Q: **I took my KANDA YUU to a party and he totally blew up, he destroyed everything with that stupid sword of his!

**A: **no kidding. Let us establish something. KANDA is an introvert. He does not like people and noise or anything to that effect. Other than that read the manual. We also advise that you never call MUGEN™ stupid when KANDA is in hearing range. They might be the last words you say.

**Q: **my KANDA YUU unit keeps on destroying all the AKUMA units I buy.

**A: **Um….duh….3 words… read. the. manual!!!

**Q: **my KANDA unit refuses to go on a date with me ToT

**A: **do we need to include a dictionary with the manual!!!???

**Q: **my KANDA refuses to eat occidental food…

**A: **no kidding, what part of 'the manual' did you guys not understand?! We thought we put it in quite simple language

**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem: **my KANDA YUU unit is being nice to me

**Solution: **Run. Fast. Something is very wrong; send him back as fast as you can. Until you can stay as far away from him as you can. One of 2 things had happened. Your unit has malfunctioned or it may be a LULUBELL unit who thinks KANDA YUU units are nice. She is just as dangerous.

**Problem:** my KANDA YUU is being so mean and nasty what can I do? What is wrong with him?

**Solution**: Nothing, that is how he is programmed. Read before you purchase it clearly states in unit description that he is moody and has a foul temper. You may be the problem. We advise NOT making a noise round him. we also advise not to bring any ALLEN WALKER, LAVI, FROI TIEDOLL, FINDER, KUMOI OR MARIAN CROSS units near him. Do you have a JERRY unit making his soba? If not get one to make his food. The cost is worth your piece of mind and a house in one piece. Has his MUGEN™ been damaged? Check that his hour glass is very safe. Is he sleeping well, has anybody interrupted his meditation. Do you have a decent place for him to meditate? We're going to stop here, the list of things that KANDA YUU units dislike is long enough to publish a book on. You can try asking what is upsetting him though we doubt you'll get an answer.


End file.
